In a world that was totally objective and fair, size should make no difference in the worth of any individual or creature. But, then again, wizards should not have to work for a living, either.
— THE TEACHINGS OF EBENEZUM,
VOLUME XXIX
One of the small multitude jumped down from atop the tiller. The boatman stared after him, obviously in a state of shock. While most of the others were dressed more or less like our own Brownie, this one wore a cap and cloak of dark brown fur.
“You called, Tap?”
“Yes sir, Your Brownieship!” our Brownie responded.
“I don’t believe it,” Snarks muttered. “Tap?”
“I understand,” His Brownieship intoned, “that some of this company have been giving you trouble, even, perhaps, implying things that might be detrimental to Browniekind? “
“Well, sir,” Tap replied, “it’s really only one of them, and I think he’s only trying to be friendly.”
“Now, now,” His Brownieship chided, “that’s just the positive side of your essentially optimistic Brownie nature talking. From what I’ve heard, things are far worse than that! We Brownies have been belittled far too long! Remember the Brownie Creed: We may be short, but we stand tall!”
Snarks looked longingly over the side of the boat. “Maybe I could learn to swim.”
“Ah,” His Brownieship said. “So this is the perpetrator.”
Snarks edged toward the bow. “Maybe I could learn to breathe underwater.”
“Now, now,” His Brownieship urged. “My good fellow, we don’t want to hurt you. We just want to show you the positive nature of Brownie Power!”
“Maybe I should just jump,” Snarks muttered. “I could always come up with a plan later.”
“Come, fellows, let us entertain this newcomer with one of our inspirational cheers! What can you always use?”
“Brownie Power!” came the chorus.
“What always pays those dues?” His Brownieship continued.
“Brownie Power!” the chorus responded.
“What keeps away the blues?” His Brownieship was jumping up and down with excitement.
“Brownie Power!” The chorus was jumping as well. The boat began to rock.
“What should you always choose? No, no, fellow Brownies! Pull him back in the boat! You don’t need to jump, friend demon! You’ll grow to like this! That’s what Brownie Power is all about!”
“Wuntvor?” Norei’s hand gently touched my elbow. I turned to her, and found her face full of concern.
“I worry for your master.”
I looked behind the young witch. Ebenezum sat at the farthestmost point of the bow, with his head over the side of the boat.
Of course! The sudden appearance of all these Brownies must be playing havoc with my master’s malady. What kind of an apprentice was I to be watching some silly little drama when the wizard was in dire straits?
I moved quickly to my master. Kneeling by his side, I stuck my head, too, over the edge of the boat.
“Indeed,” my master said as my head approached his. He appeared to be breathing quite normally. “One must be prepared for any eventuality, Wuntvor. When one has a malady such as mine, instant measures are of ten called for.”
I asked the wizard if I should tell the Brownies to leave.
“On the contrary,” Ebenezum replied. The end of his beard sent ripples through the water. “For the moment, I seem to be functioning quite well. And it occurs to me that, every time we have fought Guxx Unfufadoo and his demonic hordes, we have won because we had access to resources he could not foresee. Thus, when we fought together in the Western Woods, the demon did not take into account my sorcerous skills. In our first big battle at Heemat’s Hovel, we were aided by hordes of religious seekers and a minor demigod. In our second battle, we were joined by a legion of mythological beasts. No, Wuntvor, I think the Brownies should stay around. They might be Guxx’s undoing.”
“See?” a small voice said in my ear. “What did I say?”
I turned to see Tap, sitting on the edge of the boat, grinning at me.
“This third Brownie wish is going to be a big one!” Ebenezum sneezed briefly. “Wunt,” the wizard said. “While I am thus indisposed, I trust you to manage the business on board. If you need me, you know where I’ll be.”
I nodded briefly and stood, surveying the once again clear blue sky. I looked back over to the other end of the boat. The Brownies continued their ragged cheers. Snarks was pleading with Hendrek to bash him unconscious with Headbasher. “Have you no mercy?” the demon cried.
I turned and waved our Brownie back into the boat. “So your name is Tap?” I asked, doing my best to distract the small fellow from talking to Ebenezum.
“Yes!” Tap exclaimed cheerfully. “All Brownies are named after shoemaking noises. You know—Tip, Tap, Hammer, Buckle. We take pride in our work!”
“Wuntvor?”
I turned at the sound of my beloved’s voice. She smiled in a way I hadn’t seen in far too long. I forgot Tap’s enthusiasm, I forgot about the boat, I forgot the impending demon attack. The world fell away, lost in Norei’s eyes.
“Wuntvor?” her perfect lips said. “In all this madness, we really haven’t had time to say hello. I’m afraid I’ve been ignoring you. We’ve been away from each other for so long. Our relationship before was new; we still don’t know each other all that well. Yet, on my journey here, I found myself thinking about you, over and over again. Now here we are, on a ship together, awaiting imminent death. These may be our last moments together!”
“Norei,” I whispered. “There’s never been anyone but you.” We kissed.
Norei broke it off abruptly. “If only I could get the image of a grackle out of my head! But, Wuntvor, you really meant—”
“By my grandmother’s bones!” the boatman shouted. “Something else is coming!”
I looked aloft to see what had stirred the boatman from his state of shock. Something very large was flying our way. Something very large, with a human rider and a top hat.
It was Hubert.
He landed with a gentle splash to the starboard of the boat, and tipped his hat in our direction. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I can float. Dragons have a lot of hot air. But, if you don’t mind, Alea would like to come on board and stretch her legs.”
Alea jumped nimbly from the dragon’s back onto the boat.
“Doom,” Hendrek inquired. “Why are you returned already from Vushta?”
“Because, alas, we never made it there,” Hubert replied. “It seems that Vushta is encircled with an impenetrable fog. I had to turn back. I couldn’t see to land.”
“Doom,” Hendrek nodded grimly. “We will have to sail into it, then.”
“We will have to sail where?” the boatman cried. “Not on this boat! First, you sneak aboard nonhuman passengers! Then, we are set upon by a plague of Brownies! Next, a dragon lands next to my boat. No thank you! I’m turning around! Not on my boat, you don’t.”
“But we have to!” I insisted. “The fate of the world may depend upon our reaching Vushta!”
“No!” The boatman shook his head. “I hear my home port calling.”
“Let me handle this,” Hubert remarked. “Did you ever consider how you would feel charbroiled?”
“Char-what?” the boatman asked. “Then again, my home port isn’t calling all that loudly. You have to have some adventures in your life. That’s what my aged grandmother used to say.”
“Be of good cheer, boatman!” His Brownieship called. “You have nothing to fear! You have Brownie Power on your side. Tell me Brownies: What’s too good to ever refuse?”
“Brownie Power!”
“And what’s one way you can never lose?”
“Brownie Power!”
“And what’s better than eating—”
“Oh no you don’t!” Snarks screamed, startling His Brownieship midcheer. “I’ve had enough of this Brownie business!”
The Brownies, who had been jumping about with their Brownie Power cheers, continued leaping and shouting. But there now seemed to be an angry edge to their voices.
“Fellow Brownies!” His Brownieship called out, quieting the multitude. “We have tried Positive Brownie Action on this lost soul. But, occasionally, some of the uninformed have too many barriers to accept the simple truths that we embody as very special magical creatures. It is time, therefore, to have a reasoned dialogue! Come, sir demon! Say what you will!”
Snarks was taken aback. “You want me to talk back to you?”
“Certainly, sir!” His Brownieship replied. “Whatever you want! It’s your turn now!”
“Well,” the demon said tentatively, “you are rather short.”
“Yes, that is undeniably true,” His Brownieship stated. “On the whole, we are much shorter than demons. An important point, well worth making.”
“You’re not going to disagree?” Snarks replied.
“No, no, it was a valid point.”
“Well—of course it was. All my points are valid.”
“Even those two at the top of your head? Sorry, just a little Brownie humor, there. I’m sure you believe in everything you say. Are there any more points you would like to make?”
“Well, maybe not.” Snarks seemed rather unnerved. I had a feeling this was the first time in his demonic existence that anyone had totally agreed with him. It was a strategy diabolic enough for the Netherhells!
“See how much better things are when you have a reasoned Brownie dialogue? That’s what we call Brownie Power!” His Brownieship shouted. The rest of the Brownies cheered.
Snarks retreated within his hood.
“Wuntvor?” Norei whispered. I turned to look at her large green eyes, flecked with little bits of brown. “You were saying something, before the dragon came.”
“Yes, my beloved?” I replied. Was this the moment I had been hoping for, when Norei would tell me she was mine?
“Oh!” another voice called. “There you are, Wuntie!”
“Wuntie?” Norei cried in a voice much louder than a whisper.
I shook my head to try and stop the ringing in my ear. Alea stood before me.
“Uh,” I began. My mind raced, trying to think of something appropriate to say.
“Hello,” I managed after a minute.
“Since we had to turn back from Vushta, I thought we could finally spend that time together—” Alea paused when she saw Norei’s hand touching mine. “And who is this creature?”
I turned to Norei. She was staring at me with a look more severe than anything I had ever gotten from Ebenezum. I swallowed.
“Wuntvor?” Norei’s words were clipped, as if they had been cut from her breath with knives. “Why is this woman calling you—” She paused to increase the intensity of her stare. “—Wuntie?”
“Well, um, er,” I began.
Alea snorted derisively. “Wuntie, why don’t you tell this newcomer what we meant to each other, back in Wizard’s Woods?”
Norei gasped. “Wuntvor!” she cried. Her voice had heated considerably. “Is this true?”
“Well, er, um,” I tried to explain.
“You let me waste all this time, thinking of you, building an image of the two of us together!” Norei recoiled from me in horror. “And to think I let you nuzzle me when you were a grackle!”
“A grackle?” Alea asked. “Oh, I knew a relationship with a wizard would be different! Oh, Wuntie, we could have had such fun! If only you hadn’t started up with another woman the minute my back was turned!”
I had to stop this! “Well, um, that’s not exactly—” I interjected.
“The minute your back-was turned?” Norei repeated. “Wuntvor, you claimed but a moment ago that I was the only woman you had ever loved!”
“Wuntie!” Alea demanded. “Is this true?”
I had to say something! “Well, it is, well, I mean, but—”
How could this get any worse?
There was a noise like an earthquake beneath the boat.
No! It wasn’t an earthquake. It was two hundred dancing Brownie feet!
Then there was an explosion. The boat seemed to have moved some distance.
Something huge reared its head at that spot in the ocean where we had been mere seconds before. This was the Netherhells’ attack!
“Krrraakennn!” a mouth in a head the size of your average palace howled.
“Wow!” Hubert replied from above. “What an entrance!” He seemed to have taken flight about the time of the explosion.
The monster turned to regard us. It was a deep green color, close to the shade of the sea at twilight. At the moment, it pretty much took up most of the sea, anyway. Its giant, reptilian coils surrounded the boat, sending displaced water cascading across our decks.
“Yoouu moovvedd!” the huge head remarked. “Iii willl havvve tooo trryyy aaggaainnn!”
“Excuse me, you very large fellow?” The dragon shot out a spurt of flame to try to draw the monster’s attention. “You are a Kraken, aren’t you? Do you think we could have a little talk, reptile to reptile?”
The huge head glanced slowly up to regard the dragon. “Noooo!” it said at last. “Tiime tooo eeeeattt!”
“Come on, Brownies!” His Brownieship cried. “Time to do your stuff!”
The two hundred sets of tapping toes were at it again!
“Quick now, for Brownie Power! Let’s try Plan B!”
I imagined the “B” stood for Brownie. While most of the little fellows maintained their relentless dancing rhythm, about a dozen or so split off to do some sort of alternate dance all their own.
The wizard sneezed mightily. “Norei!” he gasped. “Your counterspell!”
“Heavens, yes!” The young witch shook herself out of her shocked stupor. “Wuntvor! Join with me. We must be heard over the dancing!”
As one, we began the rhyme:
“Go, you creatures! Back down in the blue!
Go, you demons! Wakka doo wakka doo!”
“Hhuuhh?” the Kraken responded. “Wwellll, allll rriighttt!”
“No, you don’t, you ‘re all at sea!
The Kraken stays right here with me!”
It was only then that I saw the Kraken had a rider, a green hairy fellow wearing a helmet. The fellow pulled his helmet off. It was Guxx Unfufadoo!
“Geeee,” the Kraken said. “Mmmaake uupp yoouuurrr mmindddss.”
Guxx cried:
“Don’t worry, that spell is obsolete!
AII you should do now is eat!”
“Oooohhh,” the Kraken remarked with a smile the length of your average river. “Goooddd. Mmmmrrrrf-fflllxxxppttt.”
An incredibly giant shoe had appeared to cover the Kraken’s head.
The Kraken ate it.
“That’s always been the problem, using that spell on omnivores,” His Brownieship admitted. “Tap! Are you ready?”
“You’ve got it, Your Brownieship!” The smaller group of Brownies danced with redoubled fury.
Guxx jumped up and down on the Kraken’s enormous coil and screamed in our direction:
“I’ve got you now, you wizardly pest!
In a Kraken’s stomach you will rest!”
The wizard, for his part, seemed to be sneezing his life away in the bow of the boat.
Norei and Alea stood to either side of me, transfixed with terror.
“Wuntvor!” Norei shouted over the furious dancing. “I don’t know any spells big enough to stop that thing!”
“Wuntie!” Alea sobbed. “What can we do?”
“Well, um, er,” I replied.
There was another sizable explosion.
“What’s going on here?” an authoritatively grating voice shouted. “I hope whoever brought us here has some gold!”
“Pop? Look down there! I don’t think we should worry about gold at a time like this!”
It was the mythological creatures! Flying above us were the Rok, the Griffin, the Hippogriff, and half a dozen more. The Brownies had brought reinforcements!
“Waaiittt aa minnuute! Arrre theeessse creeeatuurress onnn thheee ootheerrr ssiide?”
Guxx screamed:
“What does it matter? Big or small?
Open your mouth and eat them all!”
The Kraken looked down at the demon. “Nnnnoooo. Iii knooowww theeeesse beeeaassstss offf aairrr annnd sseeea! Annnd mmyyy taaaiilll isss beeeinngg wommbleddd! Theeyyy arrrre mmyyyy uuuunnionnn bbrrroothherrs! Iii hhaavvee aaa carrrdd ffoorr AFTAOMAIBAC!”
“Afteromay what?” Guxx shrieked as the Kraken’s scales began to resubmerge.
“Yoouuu dooo nnott eeeatt youuurrr uunnionn brrotherrs!” the Kraken stated as it settled into the sea.
“Oh, no!” Guxx cried. “Wait a minute while I—” The demon paused, its skin a pale green. There was a note of panic in its voice. “What rhymes with helmet?”
Guxx was swallowed by the ocean depths.
The Brownies cheered as one.
“Now that—” Tap shouted, “that’s what I call a wish!”
The Griffin landed on a bare spot on the deck. “So we meet again. We seem to have been displaced rather abruptly from the conclusion of our meeting. We had only managed to ratify the first fifty-seven of our demands. All I can say is, for your sake, I hope there’s money in this!”
Hubert belly-flopped into the water. Distracted, the Griffin turned its head.
“Now, now!” the dragon exclaimed. “Let’s look at what you’ve done here. Your intervention helped to prevent this very important party from getting eaten. Thus they can now travel to Vushta and save us all! What need have you of monetary reward? Soon, you’ll have the thanks of a grateful world.”
“Oh. That’s true, isn’t it?” the Griffin ruminated. “I still wouldn’t mind some gold.”
“We apologize for the abruptness of our spell,” His Brownieship interjected. “That’s just the way we are, I’m afraid. We Brownies like to make bold strokes, and stay right there in the center of the action. That’s what we call Brownie Power!”
“Still,” the Griffin mused, “this trip might not be a total waste. Tell me, friend Brownie, have you and your virtually limitless group of brothers considered the benefits of joining a union of mythological beasts?”
His Brownieship tapped his tiny foot. “We might indeed be interested, if we got the recognition we deserved. We were about to return you to your meeting. If you don’t mind adding a hundred Brownies to your gathering, we’ll be glad to talk!”
The Brownie’s small hand briefly shook the Griffin’s wing. His Brownieship turned to the others on the boat. “Tap’s final wish is done. So we will say good-bye, with a final rousing cheer!”
“What small folks are making news?” His Brownieship cried.
“Brownie Power!” the others shouted back.
His Brownieship waved his tiny fists aloft. “Who’s so cute you can’t refuse?”
“Brownie Power!” the others cried, raising their tiny fists as well.
His Brownieship paused dramatically, took a deep breath, and shouted even louder than before:
“And who’s the best at making shoes?”
“Brownie Power!”
The response was deafening.
“Next time you need to save the world, don’t hesitate to call!” Tap called to us.
And the Brownies and mythological beasts were gone.